So… how long has it been? I’ve no idea. I could look at when the last post was published but honestly, I can’t be arsed.
Today I’m in one of those moods where literally everything annoys you. I’ve barely done any work today so I just took myself off for a walk up the hill. My luck blessed me again when it started snowing. Despite me leaving the house with clear blue skies. But hey ho.
I knew it wouldn’t last long although two days is pretty good going to be honest. If you read my posts you’ll have seen I took a couple of days off to go and do other stuff and I really enjoyed it. It got me out of the office/house and away doing something I don’t normally do and it made me happy. Today though I’m back to my usual annoyed, lonely, tired, bored, hateful self.
Like most occasions I can’t describe how I’m feeling but I just know I don’t feel good. I want to do all of these things but I don’t have the energy to do anything. Like I want to run a 10k this year. I know the one I want to do and I know I want to raise money for charity at the same time but I can’t bring myself to actually put my shoes on and go for a tester run. Part of me wants to register for the event and pay my entry fee, that way I will have to start running but the other part of me knows I will probably pay up and then not go and waste the £28 entry fee.
When I was at school, before I really understood what was going on inside my head, I used to sit in lessons and come up with the wackiest ideas and things I wanted to do. For example in one English lesson I came up with the idea of spending a whole year in a tent raising money for charity. There was a small patch of grass outside our house where we used to live and I was going to set up a tent and all my camping gear on that patch and just spend a year in that tent. It wasn’t long after coming up with that idea that I had to speak to someone at school about the depression, and it wasn’t long after talking to them that I was put on suicide watch – brilliant!
I used to get massive mood swings. Ones that would change literally in an instant. I remember going through a phase of thinking I had Bipolar because apparently one of the symptoms of that is quick mood swings. It’s settled down to having maybe 3 or 4 days before my mood changes. So the last 2-3 days have been great fun but today I feel shit and I’ll probably feel shit until Monday.
Spotify is genuinely the only thing getting me through today. Last night all I wanted to do was get drunk, today all I want to do is curl up in the corner of a darkened room and die.
My alarm went off at 8am this morning and then I spent 3 hours just lying in bed. When I eventually got up around 11am I was so tired I could barely walk straight. A couple of minutes ago I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and I sat back down in the chair of my office and I couldn’t remember walking down the stairs or running the tap.
Now I’m back staring at my computer screen and everything is going wrong. A new website (I’m a website developer by trade) isn’t working properly and I don’t know what the problem is, a potential client is fannying around with contracts and won’t sign unless I change parts of it, a current client is late paying for their website, and whilst this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, my friends are currently using me as a buffer for finding out who they should date. I’m kinda feeling like the gay best friend with these two female friends talking about their boyfriends and future boyfriends and one of them is showing me Facebook profiles for the guys she likes and wants me to tell her what I think of them.
Like I say, it’s not always a bad thing. I like talking to them and if it helps then great.
Back to death however. I have no idea what I’m doing today. I’m sitting at the computer trying to work but just can’t do anything worthwhile. I have spotify on in the background and it’s playing literally everything from Bon Jovi to Eminem and even the good songs that I really like aren’t cheering me up. I often listen to really sad songs in the hope that it’ll get it out my system and feel happier but occasionally one of them will crop up on my playlist and it won’t make a difference.