Bitten the bullet

Well I finally did it. I rang my doctor yesterday and asked him what the options are for medication. Naturally I was terrified calling and asking for an emergency appointment but I was looking online and apparently depression is one of the things you’re allowed to use emergency appointments for.

They said they’d get a doctor to ring back and he did about half an hour later. We went through a load of things and asked questions and said “okay, right” far too much. Apart from that he sounded like a lovely bloke. He said I would certainly qualify for medication and that based on the answers I’d given him and my history he’d write out a prescription there and then.

It means I’m now on anti-depressants which isn’t something I wanted to do. I wanted to try and do it with therapy. I started the dosage this morning and I’ve felt shit all day. Not mentally, just physically I feel really sick and dizzy and really really tired. I know it’s only the first day so part of it is probably just that I’m worrying about it all.

I will stick at it though. I’ve been given a months worth of drugs so I’ll go back and see the doctor in 3 weeks for a catch up and see if anything’s changed.

This has come around far too soon

I have my first CBT session this afternoon and to be really honest, I’m shitting it. I’m sure it’ll be fine but there’s a big part of me that just doesn’t think it’ll work and I’m wasting my time. I know that’s not the right mindset to be in when starting it but I can’t help it unfortunately.

I barely slept last night for worrying and I woke up this morning and couldn’t eat because I felt so sick. I know it’s the nerves and I tried to force myself to eat but couldn’t. Now I’m sat at my computer working trying to take my mind of it but there’s a constant churning feeling in my stomach. It’s not quite an anxiety attack yet but I’m sure that’ll come at around 3pm so watch this space.

Has anyone done CBT or know what the first session is about?

A businessman who can’t answer the phone… Riiiiiight

I hate it. How can someone run a successful business if they can’t answer the phone? Well, that’s me. I run a marginally successful web design agency and I’ve had a new lease of enthusiasm after a meeting with the local business support people and it means I’ve spent the last 48 hours updating my LinkedIn page, the website, all of that stuff. But since I’ve updated my LinkedIn page I’ve had no less than 4 phone calls from people wanting to talk to me about what I can do for them. The only problem is, I don’t actually answer the phone. I leave it to voicemail and then call them back.

I know it’s down to the anxiety and it’s the ability to answer the phone without worrying I’m gonna say something ridiculous. That’s what I hate.

I’m looking at some virtual office options where someone else takes the call and then gives me details so I can call the person back. But even then it involves talking to them so now I’m thinking of hiring a receptionist or someone who can take calls but also explain what we do.

Hmm… Running a business with anxiety is great, isn’t it?

Such a lonely life 

I lead such a lonely existence. Lying in bed on a Saturday night writing shitty blog posts whilst most people my age are out getting smashed. Sometimes I wish I could go back a few years. Y’know, back to when I wasn’t anxious and had a girlfriend? They were the good times. Going for walks, going out for dinner, generally enjoying being with someone you love and now I’m in Scotland with nobody but my parents and I’m lonely. 

😦

Fan-bloody-tastic

I’m having one of those days again. You know the ones where you just can’t get into the right frame of mind for working or speaking to people? Thankfully I have my own business so taking a day off here and there is easy and most of the time a day is all it takes. But today just feels wrong. It’s hard to describe but it just feels like it’s going to be a bloody long day.

The work I do means I need to liaise with clients so there are days where I’ll need to call them. For most people this isn’t an issue. They call the client, job done. But for someone with anxiety it’s near on impossible to get yourself into the right frame of mind to be able to even dial the number. I know, I know. Why the hell would I run a business where I had to talk to people if I couldn’t talk to people. I know. But the actual work is great fun so that counterbalances everything.

Back to today though. I work from home and I would usually work upstairs in the attic conversion as it’s away from everything else and nobody goes up there unless they’re looking for me. Today though I don’t want to work up there and I don’t know why. I’m sat in the living room writing this whilst staring out at the red squirrels chasing each other around the tree and I’m trying desperately to force myself to write quicker so I can do the work I’ve promised to clients. But… I can’t be arsed.

I tend not to proofread my posts as that way they are written exactly how I speak. It means I can often jump between 17 different thought processes during one post. That isn’t a bad thing, is it?

Does anyone else get days like this? Days where they could quite happily go back to bed for a bit of netflix and chill. On your own because, like me, you have no friends locally?

Th-th-th-that’s all folks!

It appears I’ve been happy for too long, my brain is on the rampage. The last 15 hours or so have been good. Got quite a lot of work done and written some good posts and chatted with some cool people and now my brain has reminded me of money and how I have none. 

I’ve been struggling for a while and it’s got to the point where the bank won’t lend me any more. There’s something wrong with the car and I booked it into the garage for Friday to get it fixed. I asked my parents if they could lend me the money and immediately said yes they’ll transfer it over. Except… My brain just realised if they put it into the bank, the bank will use it to pay off what I owe them for going over my overdraft. So they’ll transfer £140, £50 of that will go to pay off the charges and I’ll be left with £90. In other words, not enough to fix the car. If I ask for more they’re gonna want to know why and then I’ll have to tell them just how much of an overdraft I have. 

I’m desperately hoping one of my clients will pay his invoice tomorrow so I have some spare money but I’m not holding out much hope. 

I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight now. That’ll be cycling it’s way through my head from now until Friday afternoon when I pick the car up. 

I try not to swear but… Fuck saaaaaake!

The eighth wonder of the world: Smiling Depression

Before I left school about 4/5 years ago, I began to get pretty bad mood swings. And these mood swings would be instant in that I could go from having a perfectly normal conversation with a friend to wanting to walk out of the room and run home in seconds. It was whilst all of these mood swings were kicking in that I started having thoughts about suicide. After speaking to pastoral care, she said she wanted to see me every morning for 10 minutes before school – suicide watch. Fantastic. The one thing I didn’t want was anyone fussing over me and now that’s exactly what they were doing. I know they had a duty of care and all that jazz but it felt like they were all “keeping an eye on me” in lessons and then reporting everything back to pastoral care to make sure I was alright. I had days where that was a good thing andRead More »

Anxiety: Life’s too short, or is it?

 

“Life’s too short to be giving a toss what other people think”

Well, yes and no. I completely agree that life is far too short and you should live every minute to the full. However as someone who suffers from fairly severe anxiety whereby I can’t make a phone call without a half hour prep session, I can’t say not caring what other people think is easy.

I go through phases. Phase one is full of inspirational quotesRead More »