This has come around far too soon

I have my first CBT session this afternoon and to be really honest, I’m shitting it. I’m sure it’ll be fine but there’s a big part of me that just doesn’t think it’ll work and I’m wasting my time. I know that’s not the right mindset to be in when starting it but I can’t help it unfortunately.

I barely slept last night for worrying and I woke up this morning and couldn’t eat because I felt so sick. I know it’s the nerves and I tried to force myself to eat but couldn’t. Now I’m sat at my computer working trying to take my mind of it but there’s a constant churning feeling in my stomach. It’s not quite an anxiety attack yet but I’m sure that’ll come at around 3pm so watch this space.

Has anyone done CBT or know what the first session is about?

Needed some alone time

I took myself off for a walk this afternoon. I woke up this morning and couldn’t really engage my brain to do anything so I drove out to the coast and went for a walk. Ended up 6 miles up the coast and past this cool spot. 

On the way back I stopped off and took some pictures. None of them really came out well but thanks to Instagrams filters it now looks pretty good. You can’t quite see the snowy hills but the hills of northern Scotland are visible across the water, looking towards Wick and the far north. 

I had a good 4 hours that I managed to forget about real life. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex girlfriend. I don’t know why since we split up 3 years ago and I thought I had moved on but clearly not. But the walk this afternoon let me think everything through so hopefully I really can move on and meet someone else. I’m so lonely!!

What did you do this Sunday, anything interesting?

Maybe being poor is a good thing 

Maybe it’s a good thing I have no money. Rather unusually, I can feel myself descending into a really bad depressive episode and normally when I get them I have a tendency to spend shitloads of money on rubbish I don’t need. 

Now though, because I have literally no money (I currently owe the bank a couple thousand) I can’t spend money on stuff I don’t need. Maybe that’s why I feel so awful. Spending money improves people’s moods. I can’t spend, therefore I can’t improve my mood. 

Wow this post probably makes no sense whatsoever. 

Spotify, you need to try harder

Spotify is genuinely the only thing getting me through today. Last night all I wanted to do was get drunk, today all I want to do is curl up in the corner of a darkened room and die.

My alarm went off at 8am this morning and then I spent 3 hours just lying 5c00c6507c3563f08079e992b219e7a8in bed. When I eventually got up around 11am I was so tired I could barely walk straight. A couple of minutes ago I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and I sat back down in the chair of my office and I couldn’t remember walking down the stairs or running the tap.

Now I’m back staring at my computer screen and everything is going wrong. A new website (I’m a website developer by trade) isn’t working properly and I don’t know what the problem is, a potential client is fannying around with contracts and won’t sign unless I change parts of it, a current client is late paying for their website, and whilst this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, my friends are currently using me as a buffer for finding out who they should date. I’m kinda feeling like the gay best friend with these two female friends talking about their boyfriends and future boyfriends and one of them is showing me Facebook profiles for the guys she likes and wants me to tell her what I think of them.


Like I say, it’s not always a bad thing. I like talking to them and if it helps then great.

Back to death however. I have no idea what I’m doing today. I’m sitting at the computer trying to work but just can’t do anything worthwhile. I have spotify on in the background and it’s playing literally everything from Bon Jovi to Eminem and even the good songs that I really like aren’t cheering me up. I often listen to really sad songs in the hope that it’ll get it out my system and feel happier but occasionally one of them will crop up on my playlist and it won’t make a difference.

I don’t drink but my god I could do with getting smashed. 

It’s not a conscious choice but having no friends probably has something to do with me not drinking. I’ll have the odd cider now and again like Christmas or birthdays but I’m not one for over drinking. 

I went out with friends for a joint 18th booze up (mine and someone else’s) 3 years ago and drank so much it took me 45 minutes to walk the normal 15 minute journey home afterwards. I then had to stay in bed for a whole day to recover. 

This week started off really well, lots of energy and I felt rejuvenated and ready to take on the world but tonight I’m just so down in the dumps I would quite happily go out and get smashed. Nothing has happened to make me feel like this although for some reason I’m feeling especially lonely these last few days. Not that there’s nobody around but that there’s no love in my life – I know, boo hoo. 

I joined tinder. Hahahaha. Fucking ridiculous concept that is! I’m not the kind of person who goes for looks as a priority, nor am I someone who goes looking for sex on a first date. So maybe tinder isn’t the best place to be looking. 

So… Alcohol. Is there anyone else who doesn’t normally drink but gets nights where they want to go out and get rat-arsed?

Rat-arsed. I love that phrase. 

A businessman who can’t answer the phone… Riiiiiight

I hate it. How can someone run a successful business if they can’t answer the phone? Well, that’s me. I run a marginally successful web design agency and I’ve had a new lease of enthusiasm after a meeting with the local business support people and it means I’ve spent the last 48 hours updating my LinkedIn page, the website, all of that stuff. But since I’ve updated my LinkedIn page I’ve had no less than 4 phone calls from people wanting to talk to me about what I can do for them. The only problem is, I don’t actually answer the phone. I leave it to voicemail and then call them back.

I know it’s down to the anxiety and it’s the ability to answer the phone without worrying I’m gonna say something ridiculous. That’s what I hate.

I’m looking at some virtual office options where someone else takes the call and then gives me details so I can call the person back. But even then it involves talking to them so now I’m thinking of hiring a receptionist or someone who can take calls but also explain what we do.

Hmm… Running a business with anxiety is great, isn’t it?

Creative block 

I’ve always wanted to write a short story or a collection of them. I wrote a short story, many years ago in middle school, that I really liked. It was about a student who goes to get some exam papers from the exam cupboard and finds all the papers have been set alight and burned and none of the teachers believe him when he says he didn’t do it and so he’s put in detention until he admits it. Then after he does admit it he’s excluded but then the student that really did it finally comes forward and the original student comes back and they all live happily ever after. Anyway, I wrote that just on my own outside of school and I took it in and asked my English teacher to read it and mark it as if it was a proper bit of schoolwork and I got about 98%. 

Ever since that I’ve wanted to write something else. Last year I came up with the idea of writing a TV or stage drama based on a therapists office, focusing on one person who comes in for the first time after finding out he’s dying and the story basically follows his ups and downs of going to see the therapist and how she talks him out of suicide etc. 

Quite… Dark, I know. But the more I thought about it the more I was getting into it and I even managed to plan out the first 10 minutes of dialogue in the TV programme. 

I sat down this afternoon and thought “I know, I’ll try writing a script” and got about 20 lines down and then thought “wow that’s shit” so I gave up. 

I’m so excited!

So that business plan I was writing the other day, the one where was really giddy because it was going to be massive? Well I’ve pushed that to one side as I’ve come up with a much better idea which, hopefully, is much more achievable. 

Now i can’t get to sleep because I’m genuinely so excited by it. I’ve gone through exactly how it would work, written out my management/staff structure, already thought of some questions I can ask when interviewing candidates, planned out the office in terms of access and design, and so the only thing left to worry about is getting the money to start up. I haven’t done any of that research because I get scared talking about numbers like £10,000. 

But I’m so excited!!! Even more so than last week when I was writing a business plan. I just have no patience so now I’ve thought of the idea I want to go out tomorrow and start up the company.