But whyyyyyyyy?

It’s a relatively long story but please try and read it all…

It turns out I can’t buy a friend a gift without other people thinking we’re in love. I’m male, she’s female. We get on well, we have a laugh, we’ve talked about literally everything and helped each other through darker times. Neither of us are “in love” with the other, we just get along very well.

A few weeks ago I was reading a book full of ideas and things to do that will make you feel better about yourself. One tip was to buy your friends a gift. Not for any occasion but just a gift that fits with how you view them. Another idea was to write them a letter but I never got round to writing anything so I started looking at little presents I could get a couple of my closest friends.

There’s a little backstory to this… Last year the friend mentioned above and I were out shopping and she wanted to buy a new mug for her new job but the queue at the checkouts was really long. I offered to buy the mug for her as I was queuing to buy a few other things myself. When we got back to work everyone in the office assumed I had bought her this mug (a mug with loads of red love hearts on it) and didn’t think she’d chosen it herself.

Anyway she messaged me the other day and said she’d chipped that mug and, jokingly, asked if I’d buy her a new one. We laughed about it and we moved on but I secretly ordered her a new mug to be delivered straight to her office. Now, over the last year or so the other people in the office have become more and more convinced that we’re seeing each other because of how we act together. We’re not. So today the mug arrives in the office and because I work in Scotland (office is in England) my friend had to take the brunt of the abuse from the other workers.

My point is this… If I was a female and had bought a mug with love hearts on for a female friend, nobody would have batted an eyelid. Because I’m a male buying a mug with love hearts on for a female friend, they all think I love her. When I say there’s abuse from co-workers I mean it’s all light-hearted and it’s all joking. But it’s just the concept that todays society doesn’t allow a male and a female to just be friends. I spoke to a male friend about her and the first thing he asked was were we together? He couldn’t understand the idea that we were so close but not in a relationship.

I’ve never been great talking about relationships in front of people. I’ve had girlfriends and I have been romantic but if other people are nearby I go quiet and don’t talk about anything. So when I do go down to the office in England to see them and they start referring to the two of us having a relationship and me buying her gifts, I get embarrassed and go red which only makes things worse and I hate it. I even came up with a conversation scenario that I could use if they ever ask me straight if I would ever go out with her. It goes something like this:

“Would you ever go out with [insert name here]?”

“I doubt it. I’m gay.”

It’s at this point I would watch their faces closely as they recoil in horror at how wrong they had got everything, as they panic trying to backtrack through all of the sarky remarks they’ve made.


“No. But you didn’t know that did you? You assumed that I was straight and that because I’m male I would naturally be looking for a relationship with her. ”

Okay that’s a pretty shit scenario. As usual it sounds a lot better in my head but I just hate the idea that a male and female can’t just be friends these days. And just to clarify I’m not actually gay. I’m bi. But to get the most out of that scenario I would tell them I was gay for maximum effect!

I hate ’em

Things like this really get on my tits. You know the posts and memes about how if someone doesn’t text back within a nanosecond it means they hate you and don’t want to be with you? It’s bollocks. 

I’m working 18 hour days earning a living. I don’t have time to reply to your stupid texts that ask probably equally stupid questions. 

I don’t understand where this concept of replying immediately came from but it’s bloody ridiculous. Can you imagine taking mobile phones, computers, Internet away from people these days? Imagine asking them to wait a fortnight for a hand written letter to arrive. Then maybe they’ll appreciate people having fucking lives to lead!!

I’m punishing myself over guilt I shouldn’t be feeling. 

Does anyone else feel guilty for absolutely no reason? I’ve had many occasions where I’ve wanted to punish myself. Not self harming, my pain threshold is bloody useless so I can barely tolerate a paper cut, but daft things like staying up really late to make myself really really tired, or staring at a computer screen to give myself a headache. 

I get nights like this occasionally. Maybe a couple of nights a month I’ll sit down and think I need to make myself feel really bad and hurt myself but there’s never any reason to do it. Obviously I’ve done things I’ve regretted, some more serious than others, but there’s nothing so serious that it warrants forcing myself to stay awake for 24 hours to torture myself. 

The things I did were many years ago and I thought I had forgotten about them and moved on but what if I haven’t? What if they are why I want to hate myself?

Aaaaaaaand again.

I knew it wouldn’t last long although two days is pretty good going to be honest. If you read my posts you’ll have seen I took a couple of days off to go and do other stuff and I really enjoyed it. It got me out of the office/house and away doing something I don’t normally do and it made me happy. Today though I’m back to my usual annoyed, lonely, tired, bored, hateful self.

Like most occasions I can’t describe how I’m feeling but I just know I don’t feel good. I want to do all of these things but I don’t have the energy to do anything. Like I want to run a 10k this year. I know the one I want to do and I know I want to raise money for charity at the same time but I can’t bring myself to actually put my shoes on and go for a tester run. Part of me wants to register for the event and pay my entry fee, that way I will have to start running but the other part of me knows I will probably pay up and then not go and waste the £28 entry fee.

When I was at school, before I really understood what was going on inside my head, I used to sit in lessons and come up with the wackiest ideas and things I wanted to do. For example in one English lesson I came up with the idea of spending a whole year in a tent raising money for charity. There was a small patch of grass outside our house where we used to live and I was going to set up a tent and all my camping gear on that patch and just spend a year in that tent. It wasn’t long after coming up with that idea that I had to speak to someone at school about the depression, and it wasn’t long after talking to them that I was put on suicide watch – brilliant!

I used to get massive mood swings. Ones that would change literally in an instant. I remember going through a phase of thinking I had Bipolar because apparently one of the symptoms of that is quick mood swings. It’s settled down to having maybe 3 or 4 days before my mood changes. So the last 2-3 days have been great fun but today I feel shit and I’ll probably feel shit until Monday.


Too much?

Yesterday I did a 70 mile round trip to Inverness to play snooker for a few hours. This morning I want to do it again. 

Is it too much to do it two days in a row? I mean, snooker is awesome and it gives me an afternoon away from everyone to enjoy being shit at snooker but I kinda should be working. I’m self employed though so it doesn’t really harm anyone. 

Yeah let’s go. 

I’m preparing my argument 

I drove over to Inverness today for a day out and on the way home I getting tired and there were loads of slow people on the road and my patience was getting thinner and thinner. 

Anyway at one point we got stuck behind a truck. We got to a long straight bit and of course there’s a police speed camera van half way down. The truck slows down to 40 (his limit) and so, because the road is totally clear I pull out and overtake. I didn’t go over my speed limit (60) but I overtook right where the camera van was sitting. 

I’m now expecting a letter in the post about dangerous driving or some shit so I’m preparing my argument for when it happens. The road was perfectly clear, it’s a long enough bit that I have time to react to something coming the other way and I didn’t go over the speed limit. 

No further questions, your honour. 

Yay me!

Well like I could always picture myself moving to Canada and living my life but for the last couple of years I’ve struggled looking past the next day. Recently I’m beginning to get back to imagining life in the long term and now thinking about the idea that there are 3.5 billion people out there that I haven’t met, the idea of that excites me

Sad times

It’s sad that we’ve got to a stage in civilisation where you can’t offer somebody something for free without them thinking there’s a catch.

I’m a web designer. I designed a website over the weekend for a friends (or what I thought was a friends) new business, and got everything set up and working. I messaged them this afternoon to explain what I had done and that I wanted to give them the website so they at least had somewhere online people could go and see all of their products and stuff.

I don’t think they really understood what I was doing as this person kept saying “what’s the catch?”. Genuinely, there was no catch. I saw they had just started a new facebook page and were asking people to share the page to increase their following and I thought it would be a nice thing to do to get them a really simple website developed.

It’s sad that we can’t give things out for free anymore. Everyone thinks there’s a catch and that they’ll be screwed over at some point, and no amount of promises will make them believe you.

I’m talking myself into a bad mood again.

Au revoir!