Bitten the bullet

Well I finally did it. I rang my doctor yesterday and asked him what the options are for medication. Naturally I was terrified calling and asking for an emergency appointment but I was looking online and apparently depression is one of the things you’re allowed to use emergency appointments for.

They said they’d get a doctor to ring back and he did about half an hour later. We went through a load of things and asked questions and said “okay, right” far too much. Apart from that he sounded like a lovely bloke. He said I would certainly qualify for medication and that based on the answers I’d given him and my history he’d write out a prescription there and then.

It means I’m now on anti-depressants which isn’t something I wanted to do. I wanted to try and do it with therapy. I started the dosage this morning and I’ve felt shit all day. Not mentally, just physically I feel really sick and dizzy and really really tired. I know it’s only the first day so part of it is probably just that I’m worrying about it all.

I will stick at it though. I’ve been given a months worth of drugs so I’ll go back and see the doctor in 3 weeks for a catch up and see if anything’s changed.

Lol. Turns out I’m “in a dangerous place”

Fucking no shit Sherlock. 

I wish I’d said that actually. That would’ve been an amazing comeback when the halfwit that gets paid £80,000 a year to look through a few textbooks told me I clearly wasn’t in the best place. 

Yep, I went to see my GP again to ask about drugs. You know, the good ones. We chatted about how I was feeling and all that bullshit and he came back with “you’re clearly in a dangerous place. Do you have support?”

Dangerous place. Fucking dangerous place? I swear to god if he ever screws up in medicine he could become an amazing Mr Holmes. 

Oh and no I’m fine. I’ve done my crying. I’m grand. 

I’m punishing myself over guilt I shouldn’t be feeling. 

Does anyone else feel guilty for absolutely no reason? I’ve had many occasions where I’ve wanted to punish myself. Not self harming, my pain threshold is bloody useless so I can barely tolerate a paper cut, but daft things like staying up really late to make myself really really tired, or staring at a computer screen to give myself a headache. 

I get nights like this occasionally. Maybe a couple of nights a month I’ll sit down and think I need to make myself feel really bad and hurt myself but there’s never any reason to do it. Obviously I’ve done things I’ve regretted, some more serious than others, but there’s nothing so serious that it warrants forcing myself to stay awake for 24 hours to torture myself. 

The things I did were many years ago and I thought I had forgotten about them and moved on but what if I haven’t? What if they are why I want to hate myself?

Aaaaaaaand again.

I knew it wouldn’t last long although two days is pretty good going to be honest. If you read my posts you’ll have seen I took a couple of days off to go and do other stuff and I really enjoyed it. It got me out of the office/house and away doing something I don’t normally do and it made me happy. Today though I’m back to my usual annoyed, lonely, tired, bored, hateful self.

Like most occasions I can’t describe how I’m feeling but I just know I don’t feel good. I want to do all of these things but I don’t have the energy to do anything. Like I want to run a 10k this year. I know the one I want to do and I know I want to raise money for charity at the same time but I can’t bring myself to actually put my shoes on and go for a tester run. Part of me wants to register for the event and pay my entry fee, that way I will have to start running but the other part of me knows I will probably pay up and then not go and waste the £28 entry fee.

When I was at school, before I really understood what was going on inside my head, I used to sit in lessons and come up with the wackiest ideas and things I wanted to do. For example in one English lesson I came up with the idea of spending a whole year in a tent raising money for charity. There was a small patch of grass outside our house where we used to live and I was going to set up a tent and all my camping gear on that patch and just spend a year in that tent. It wasn’t long after coming up with that idea that I had to speak to someone at school about the depression, and it wasn’t long after talking to them that I was put on suicide watch – brilliant!

I used to get massive mood swings. Ones that would change literally in an instant. I remember going through a phase of thinking I had Bipolar because apparently one of the symptoms of that is quick mood swings. It’s settled down to having maybe 3 or 4 days before my mood changes. So the last 2-3 days have been great fun but today I feel shit and I’ll probably feel shit until Monday.

Yay!

Sad times

It’s sad that we’ve got to a stage in civilisation where you can’t offer somebody something for free without them thinking there’s a catch.

I’m a web designer. I designed a website over the weekend for a friends (or what I thought was a friends) new business, and got everything set up and working. I messaged them this afternoon to explain what I had done and that I wanted to give them the website so they at least had somewhere online people could go and see all of their products and stuff.

I don’t think they really understood what I was doing as this person kept saying “what’s the catch?”. Genuinely, there was no catch. I saw they had just started a new facebook page and were asking people to share the page to increase their following and I thought it would be a nice thing to do to get them a really simple website developed.

It’s sad that we can’t give things out for free anymore. Everyone thinks there’s a catch and that they’ll be screwed over at some point, and no amount of promises will make them believe you.

I’m talking myself into a bad mood again.

Au revoir!

This has come around far too soon

I have my first CBT session this afternoon and to be really honest, I’m shitting it. I’m sure it’ll be fine but there’s a big part of me that just doesn’t think it’ll work and I’m wasting my time. I know that’s not the right mindset to be in when starting it but I can’t help it unfortunately.

I barely slept last night for worrying and I woke up this morning and couldn’t eat because I felt so sick. I know it’s the nerves and I tried to force myself to eat but couldn’t. Now I’m sat at my computer working trying to take my mind of it but there’s a constant churning feeling in my stomach. It’s not quite an anxiety attack yet but I’m sure that’ll come at around 3pm so watch this space.

Has anyone done CBT or know what the first session is about?

Maybe being poor is a good thing 

Maybe it’s a good thing I have no money. Rather unusually, I can feel myself descending into a really bad depressive episode and normally when I get them I have a tendency to spend shitloads of money on rubbish I don’t need. 

Now though, because I have literally no money (I currently owe the bank a couple thousand) I can’t spend money on stuff I don’t need. Maybe that’s why I feel so awful. Spending money improves people’s moods. I can’t spend, therefore I can’t improve my mood. 

Wow this post probably makes no sense whatsoever. 

Spotify, you need to try harder

Spotify is genuinely the only thing getting me through today. Last night all I wanted to do was get drunk, today all I want to do is curl up in the corner of a darkened room and die.

My alarm went off at 8am this morning and then I spent 3 hours just lying 5c00c6507c3563f08079e992b219e7a8in bed. When I eventually got up around 11am I was so tired I could barely walk straight. A couple of minutes ago I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and I sat back down in the chair of my office and I couldn’t remember walking down the stairs or running the tap.

Now I’m back staring at my computer screen and everything is going wrong. A new website (I’m a website developer by trade) isn’t working properly and I don’t know what the problem is, a potential client is fannying around with contracts and won’t sign unless I change parts of it, a current client is late paying for their website, and whilst this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, my friends are currently using me as a buffer for finding out who they should date. I’m kinda feeling like the gay best friend with these two female friends talking about their boyfriends and future boyfriends and one of them is showing me Facebook profiles for the guys she likes and wants me to tell her what I think of them.

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Like I say, it’s not always a bad thing. I like talking to them and if it helps then great.

Back to death however. I have no idea what I’m doing today. I’m sitting at the computer trying to work but just can’t do anything worthwhile. I have spotify on in the background and it’s playing literally everything from Bon Jovi to Eminem and even the good songs that I really like aren’t cheering me up. I often listen to really sad songs in the hope that it’ll get it out my system and feel happier but occasionally one of them will crop up on my playlist and it won’t make a difference.