It’s been a while

So… how long has it been? I’ve no idea. I could look at when the last post was published but honestly, I can’t be arsed.

Today I’m in one of those moods where literally everything annoys you. I’ve barely done any work today so I just took myself off for a walk up the hill. My luck blessed me again when it started snowing. Despite me leaving the house with clear blue skies. But hey ho.

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Why is everyone so open about it?

Once upon a time, sex was a taboo subject. Nobody talked about it and it certainly wasn’t in the public eye in magazines or TV shows and yet you can’t watch a programme these days without there being at least one innuendo or suggestive pose. I hate it.

I was watching a programme a few weeks ago that had absolutely nothing to do with the subject, it’s basically a soap opera about a hospital, and there was a scene with two actors that lasted approximately 20 seconds in which they spoke about what underwear they were wearing. Why?! It had absolutely no bearing on the story whatsoever. It didn’t change the course of the programme. You didn’t see them walk off into the distance at the end of the show, it was never mentioned again. But for some reason the writers/producers/directors/whoever decided it would be good to have add that pointless conversation to the programme.

I may be a 21 year old male but I’m not old enough to be watching programmes with those sorts of conversations whilst my parents are sitting right next to me. Some of us genuinely don’t want to hear about the supposedly sordid sex lives of fictional characters, especially not when it has no impact on the storyline!

I’m not daft however. I know they put sly comments in to keep people watching and get people talking but I don’t see why they have to.

After writing that I wanted to post some funny related picture that summed up how annoyed I get but instead I found this… Enjoy.

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But whyyyyyyyy?

It’s a relatively long story but please try and read it all…

It turns out I can’t buy a friend a gift without other people thinking we’re in love. I’m male, she’s female. We get on well, we have a laugh, we’ve talked about literally everything and helped each other through darker times. Neither of us are “in love” with the other, we just get along very well.

A few weeks ago I was reading a book full of ideas and things to do that will make you feel better about yourself. One tip was to buy your friends a gift. Not for any occasion but just a gift that fits with how you view them. Another idea was to write them a letter but I never got round to writing anything so I started looking at little presents I could get a couple of my closest friends.

There’s a little backstory to this… Last year the friend mentioned above and I were out shopping and she wanted to buy a new mug for her new job but the queue at the checkouts was really long. I offered to buy the mug for her as I was queuing to buy a few other things myself. When we got back to work everyone in the office assumed I had bought her this mug (a mug with loads of red love hearts on it) and didn’t think she’d chosen it herself.

Anyway she messaged me the other day and said she’d chipped that mug and, jokingly, asked if I’d buy her a new one. We laughed about it and we moved on but I secretly ordered her a new mug to be delivered straight to her office. Now, over the last year or so the other people in the office have become more and more convinced that we’re seeing each other because of how we act together. We’re not. So today the mug arrives in the office and because I work in Scotland (office is in England) my friend had to take the brunt of the abuse from the other workers.

My point is this… If I was a female and had bought a mug with love hearts on for a female friend, nobody would have batted an eyelid. Because I’m a male buying a mug with love hearts on for a female friend, they all think I love her. When I say there’s abuse from co-workers I mean it’s all light-hearted and it’s all joking. But it’s just the concept that todays society doesn’t allow a male and a female to just be friends. I spoke to a male friend about her and the first thing he asked was were we together? He couldn’t understand the idea that we were so close but not in a relationship.

I’ve never been great talking about relationships in front of people. I’ve had girlfriends and I have been romantic but if other people are nearby I go quiet and don’t talk about anything. So when I do go down to the office in England to see them and they start referring to the two of us having a relationship and me buying her gifts, I get embarrassed and go red which only makes things worse and I hate it. I even came up with a conversation scenario that I could use if they ever ask me straight if I would ever go out with her. It goes something like this:

“Would you ever go out with [insert name here]?”

“I doubt it. I’m gay.”

It’s at this point I would watch their faces closely as they recoil in horror at how wrong they had got everything, as they panic trying to backtrack through all of the sarky remarks they’ve made.

“Really?!”

“No. But you didn’t know that did you? You assumed that I was straight and that because I’m male I would naturally be looking for a relationship with her. ”

Okay that’s a pretty shit scenario. As usual it sounds a lot better in my head but I just hate the idea that a male and female can’t just be friends these days. And just to clarify I’m not actually gay. I’m bi. But to get the most out of that scenario I would tell them I was gay for maximum effect!

I hate ’em

Things like this really get on my tits. You know the posts and memes about how if someone doesn’t text back within a nanosecond it means they hate you and don’t want to be with you? It’s bollocks. 

  
I’m working 18 hour days earning a living. I don’t have time to reply to your stupid texts that ask probably equally stupid questions. 

I don’t understand where this concept of replying immediately came from but it’s bloody ridiculous. Can you imagine taking mobile phones, computers, Internet away from people these days? Imagine asking them to wait a fortnight for a hand written letter to arrive. Then maybe they’ll appreciate people having fucking lives to lead!!

I’m punishing myself over guilt I shouldn’t be feeling. 

Does anyone else feel guilty for absolutely no reason? I’ve had many occasions where I’ve wanted to punish myself. Not self harming, my pain threshold is bloody useless so I can barely tolerate a paper cut, but daft things like staying up really late to make myself really really tired, or staring at a computer screen to give myself a headache. 

I get nights like this occasionally. Maybe a couple of nights a month I’ll sit down and think I need to make myself feel really bad and hurt myself but there’s never any reason to do it. Obviously I’ve done things I’ve regretted, some more serious than others, but there’s nothing so serious that it warrants forcing myself to stay awake for 24 hours to torture myself. 

The things I did were many years ago and I thought I had forgotten about them and moved on but what if I haven’t? What if they are why I want to hate myself?